


Harry Brogdrak's son And The Big Toilet Snake

by Fuchsgeist



Series: The Boy Who Fell Down The Stairs And Lived Series [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Multi, Slytherin Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-25 00:47:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30080898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuchsgeist/pseuds/Fuchsgeist
Summary: Book two of the "The Boy Who Fell Down The Stairs And Lived" series, in which Harry gets re-adopted by a well-meaning but clueless Sirius Black, and teenagers become increasingly hormonal. Also, Mary Poppins is the new DADA professor.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: The Boy Who Fell Down The Stairs And Lived Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2213208
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

Book two

Harry Potter And The Big Toilet Snake

**Shortly after Albus Dumbledore and Sirius discussed Harry's future, Sirius was greeted by a hectic post owl in the morning. He recognized the handwriting immediately.**

  
  


_ Dear Sirius  _

_ I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for ever doubting you. _

_ I should have checked, I should have known. Instead I spent years feeling sorry for myself, years of spiralling downwards. I don't know if I could possibly be good for you, but if you want to meet an old friend, I really would like to see you again. _

_ I have been stuck on our past mistakes so long. And I miss you, padfoot.  _

_ I never stopped missing you. I hated myself for it when I still thought you were a traitor and murderer, but I always missed you. _

_ Now I wonder how much my mistrust took from you. Do you still remember me as I was, young and stupid and desperate for your friendship?  _

_ I hope you can forgive me someday.  _

_ Yours, _

_ Moony  _

  
  


_ Dear Moony, _

_ I will reply to every paragraph, but only because it will fill the time until I can see you again. I'm so glad that you reached out, because Azkaban has muddled my thoughts and I forgot that I might still have friends. Please don't blame yourself for something that was entirely my fault. Had I trusted you, had I not been stupid enough to swap with Peter, everything would have been so different and Lilly and James would still be alive.  _

_ I'm so sorry that you have not been well. I want to meet you again, and there will be non of that silly self-blaming, Moony. We will have tea and we will catch up and we will have some butterbeer. _

_ Yes, I remember you as you were, young. But not stupid. You always were the brains of the marauders.  _

_ Are you free tomorrow? _

_ I have a lot of time on my hands lately.  _

_ I'm renting a flat in Diagon Alley right now, address on the envelope. I have a floo connection. _

_ Yours, _

_ Padfoot  _

_ Wow, Sirius, _

_ You did grow up. _

_ I think that's my first letter from you without a single swear word in it. _

_ I can be there at nine a.m. _

_ Yours, _

_ Moony  _

  
  


_ Fuck you, Moony.  _

_ I can't wait to see you, so that I can prove I have the emotional maturity of a fifteen year old.  _

_ Please don't dare come here before half ten, I have to clean. _

_ Up yours, _

_ Padfoot  _

_ Merlin, I missed you. _

_ See you at half-ten then.  _

_ Moony _

  
  


Sirius was pacing nervously. Since he had woken up at five in the morning, there was nothing left to clean. It was eight now, and Sirius felt like pins and needles. 

He regretted every word of the letters he had sent and felt like a fraud for pretending to be anything but a miserable shell of a human being. 

But it was true that he missed Moony. He missed him so much that his throat felt like he had swallowed too much hot spaghetti without chewing. 

Sirius tried to read a book, but he caught himself reading the same page over and over again, the words somehow slipping from the pages and rearranging themselves to sound like gibberish. 

Finally, there was the smell of burning floo powder and the sound of crackling wood in the fireplace.

Remus coughed and came in, soot in his greying hair.

He had changed. There were deep crow's feet on his eyed. He looked like he was in his late thirties, but Sirius knew for a fact that they were both thirty-two years old.

"Siri", he said in a low voice. Then he hugged him so hard that he was gasping for air. Sirius felt his back cracking, and it was the first time someone had voluntarily touched him in years.

"You can let go now, Moony", he said, slightly choked.

"You first", Remus replied, dry laughter in his voice. 

They stood there for another few seconds. 

Then they sat down on the couch.

And when Sirius fetched the tea, still feeling Remus' heat on his skin, for a fleeting moment, it was as if he had never been to Azkaban, as if they were back at their shabby flat in Knockturn Alley back in the late eighties. 

Then there was a draft and suddenly Sirius freezed up again, spilling some tea from Remus' mug. But he continued, steadily, to the living room, where Remus was slouching on the sofa, looking as comfortable as someone could look who was all angles and cheekbones, stuffed into thread-bare robes. Had Moony always looked so scruffy? It suited him, in a strange way. How did Remus always look as if he was reading a book, even if he wasn't?

"It's strange to see that you've also gotten older. In my mind, you were still twenty", Remus said while taking his teacup. He blew on it and caught a drip with his tongue. How he could still look graceful while doing so was a mystery, it had to be some sort of werewolf superpower. 

"Why thanks, you look ten years older, too", Sirius deadpanned.

"I feel like I should ask 'how have you been' but that seems like a loaded question", Remus said and took a sip of his Earl Grey. He looked into his cup approvingly. Sirius had put three sugars in it, as he always did, to placate Remus' sweet-tooth.

"Life's been shite, but it's getting better", Sirius answered and sat down next to him. 

"How have you been?"

Remus looked at him and sighed. "Well, at least I haven't been to Azkaban."

"You could've visited", Sirius said dryly. 

Remus bleached. It had meant to be a joke. Sirius was mentally kicking himself. The familiarity made him fall into old patterns. Namely, being an insensitive arse.

"I'm sorry, Moony, I didn't mean it like that", he added hastily.

"I was such an idiot", he answered. "It didn't even make sense. You would never betray James and Lilly. Never."

Sirius nodded. 

"No, I would never. But I honestly didn't think any of us would. And I suspected you, of all people."

Remus sighed. 

"I can't blame you. I was distant and strange. I… had my reasons, but the truth of the matter is, mistrust was one of You-know-who's most efficient weapons."

Moony looked so tired. More tired than any person should look. Sirius just wanted to wrap him in a blanket and give him sleeping draught. In a strange way, it was comforting to worry about someone else. A bit of rest would do Moony a world of good.

"Peter is still alive. We should hunt him down", he said instead. 

Remus looked off into the distance with a harshness around his eyes that didn't quite suit him. "Yes. And we will", he said.

And immediately, they started plotting their revenge. Anger was fuel, an energy source that Sirius had nearly forgotten about without a reminder that Peter was still out there, probably lurking in the shadows, living in bins.

When Moony left, it was near dawn. There was an other hug, and the promise to meet again soon. When Sirius went to bed that evening, Remus' smell still clung to his skin, warmth and books and familiarity. 

And then Sirius scolded himself for feeling a bit aroused by it. Was he too touch-starved to take affection and friendship for what it was?

But a part of him couldn't help but wish that Remus would've stayed, would've kissed him like they used to do as teenagers whenever they were drunk and it somehow didn't count. Maybe Sirius had enjoyed the drunken snogging a bit too much even back then. Emotionally stunted, that was what he had been behind a facade of teenage rebellion that tasted like cigarettes and motorcycle oil. Oh, a cigarette would be grand right now, Sirius thought to himself, just before he fell asleep, tossing and turning the rest of the night. 

It was strange that they hadn't even talked about Harry. Soon, Lilly and James' son would be living with him. It still felt slightly unreal.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Harry's room looked cozy enough. Even with plain walls, it was furnished nicely. There was a big window and enough space for all his things. But if Sirius wouldn't allow Harry to see his family, it would be nothing but a beautiful prison. Harry sighed and started to sort his things into the wardrobe and onto the desk.

There was a tentative knock on the door. 

"Come in!", Harry said, putting the rest of his books on the board.

"So, if you like, we can eat soon. I'm a rubbish cook, but we can order something or go out to eat", Sirius said.

"I actually quite like cooking. Maybe we could buy groceries and I cook dinner?", Harry asked.

"You really don't have to do that, Harry", Sirius insisted with a strange expression on his face.

"No, I'm actually quite proud of my cooking. I am thinking of being a professional cook someday, maybe", Harry explained. Sirius looked bewildered. 

"Oh. Well, if you're that enthusiastic about cooking, I'm sure we can shop groceries together and prepare something. I have to admit I relied on houselves for the first part of my life and then on porridge and take-out after that", Sirius said, sounding slightly embarrassed. Harry wasn't comfortable with the cavalier manner in which wizards just accepted servitude from houselves. It seemed a lot like slavery to him, even if most houselves seemed to want it. But what else would you do if you couldn't disobey your master but make a religion out if it? 

"But you don't have houselves anymore, do you?", Harry asked slightly concerned. 

At that, Sirius furrowed his brows. 

"I never actually liked owning them. We had a houselve at Grimmauld Place, back then. I wonder what happened to it", he said. "He was awful. Looking back, though, he was probably just doing what he was taught by my mother."

Harry nodded along.

"Your mother wasn't very nice, I take it?"

Sirius frowned.

"She was a pure blood supremacist. Brainwashed my little brother into being a death eater, actually", he answered. 

"Oh. Is any of your family still alive?", Harry asked.

"Andromeda Tonks. And Narcissa Malfoy is my cousin."

"What? You're related to Draco? That's so cool! He's my roommate at Hogwarts!", Harry exclaimed. Sirius seemed less enthusiastic about this than him.

"You're friends with Draco Malfoy? You do know that his father is a death eater?", he asked, his gaze getting more intense.

"I think he was imperioused. But even if Draco's dad is not a good person, Draco is. I mean he used to have a lot of prejudices against muggle-born witches and wizards, but I think Hermione and Gwyo made him forget about those pretty quickly", Harry said, a small smile on his face whenever he was thinking if his friends. 

"Are they your muggle-born friends?"

"Hermione and Lavender are muggle-born. Gwyo is a goblin, like me. She's been my best friend for years now. Maybe you could meet her sometime soon."

Sirius had a strange look on his face, he was pale and drawn. His eyes focused on the wall, and he seemed zoned out. 

"I'm sorry, Harry. I have trouble concentrating lately. It's probably an other effect of the dementors. I'll talk to that mind-healer that Albus recommended tomorrow", he told Harry apologetically. Oh no. Dumbledore again. There it was. 

"We have great mind-healers in Goblinia. Maybe we could go there and gave you checked. Frank and Alice Longbottom were healed by my father", Harry said, hoping to sway his godfather to not go to one of Dumbledore's men. Sirius looked even peakier at that. 

"Right, Neville is your friend, too, isn't he?", Sirius said in an uncharacteristically cheerful voice. Harry nodded. This reminded him of something. But he didn't know Sirius well enough to discern if he was under a compulsion. Harry smiled at him. "Sirius, would you look at this rune for me? I forgot how to pronounce it. Is it "Uruz"?", he asked and handed his protection rune to him. Sirius took it and immediately looked less pale."Yes, Harry. That's Uruz. Where did you get it?"

"My head of house gave it to me. It's supposed to protect me from compulsions and mind-magic", he answered conversationally. 

"Did they use mind-magic on you? Merlin. On a teenager. That's illegal", Sirius muttered. 

"And wait, isn't you head of house Snivve… I mean Severus Snape?"

Harry looked at his godfather quizzically. "They? It was Albus Dumbledore who used mind-magic on me. Made me behave like an absolute prat, too. I don't know what that was about. Now father makes me meditate twice a day, it's a pain in the arse", Harry said.

"Albus Dumbledore? Are you having me on? He would never do such a thing. Why would you even think that? Did your guardian tell you that?"

Harry looked at him, absolutely bewildered by the course of Sirius' thoughts.

"Why would my father try to make Albus Dumbledore look bad?", Harry asked back.

"Well, Albus implied that the goblins were a bit…"

"What did that old coot say about my father? I swear it's getting too hard to be strategic. I want to strangle that man", Harry said, bristling at Sirius' words. "Brogdrak is the best father I could've chosen. He is strong and caring, and would never manipulate me like Dumbledore is trying every five minutes!"

Sirius looked floored.

"Listen, Harry, I think you've got it all backwards. See, Dumbledore really is only doing what's best for everyone" Sirius said, and his eyes became unfocused again.

"Excuse me, I have a splitting headache. But, please know that I'm there for you. You don't have to be afraid of your guardian anymore", Sirius said, and Harry didn't see a reason to point out that Brogdrak was his father and Sirius himself was his guardian now. Obviously, there was still a compulsion working on his mind. His godfather stumbled out the door. Well, Harry thought, at least he has my best interests at heart. That doesn't really help me now, though. How can I free him from Dumbledore's manipulations if he isn't even aware of them?

Harry started to write a letter to Neville. Maybe his friend could help him. Sirius seemed to approve of this particular friendship, and Harry planned to use this to his advantage. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw: There's some internalised abelism and abelist language in this. Also, one part is written from Lucius' perspective and is pretty much the inner monologue of a nazi.

"I think you should do it. Just for the hell of it", Baba Yaga said to Mary, and kissed her distractedly, before she bent over to get a pie out of the oven. 

"I'd miss you terribly, darling", Mary sighed.

Baba smiled. "Well, I'm not going anywhere, I'll still be here doing obscure experiments when you come back. I might even visit you. I'll ride my pestle and mortar to Hogwarts, just to see that horrible headmaster turn an interesting shade of puce", she said.

"That horrible man! I will never understand why Nick and Nelly ever saw the need to invite him to Avalon", Mary exclaimed, slamming her Daily Prophet down on the desk for emphasis. Baba lifted one brow.

"You know why", she said. 

Mary snorted derisively.

"Well there are many other attractive wizards out there who are less stuck up", she said.

"Gellert really did a number on Albus, though. Broke his heart. And his common sense, one might say. You didn't know him then, Mary. Before he was overly fond of Gellert, he was so bright and lively. I understand how one could fall for him", Baba said and put the pie on the windowsill to cool. 

"The first generation are all magpies. All of you. See someone with shiny magic, you want to collect them", Mary sighed. 

"Are you complaining, Miss Poppins? Is that not how you got here?", Baba said and smacked Mary's bottom. Mary made a show of (dignified) pouting. 

"You'll see how tempting it is to collect some bright young witches or wizards once you're back to the outside world. A lot of them seem wasted to the meaningless wars and corruption that plagues it", Baba continued. 

"I still can't believe that they outlawed all non-British magic. And even the pagan british magic is outlawed. Now wonder the country is going to the dogs, Baba", Mary said, shaking her head.

"So, if you're actually taking the post, are you going to teach them strictly Latin spells, straight from the curriculum?", Baba asked, an amused expression on her face.

"Don't be silly! Of course not. If I take the teaching position, I have an obligation first and foremost to the children and to lady magic herself. I can't be bothered with turning bright young minds into square shaped, dusty boxes. I'll leave that to young Minerva", Mary said. Her wife giggled. "Well, it's settled then. Come on, we both know you already decided you're going to go to Hogwarts. Let's eat some warm pie and get your purse ready, unless you want to sleep in the actual Hogwarts staff quarters", she told Mary, who was already looking at the society pages.

"I really don't like fashion in this decade. I wonder what the muggles are wearing these days, it can't be worse than this", she muttered and showed Baba a picture of a young witch in baby blue ensemble. Baba, who was wearing the same clothes since the late middle ages, nodded and prodded at the pie crust, to see if it had cooled enough to eat it. Since it had, she put some on a plate and put it before Mary, who absentmindedly thanked her and started picking on it.

Mary started composing a letter back to the board of education, while Baba went out into the forest to chop wood.

  
  
  


****

_Dear Sirius,_

_Are you doing anything this Friday? If not, can I interest you in going to a pub?_

_Haven't heard from you in a while. Ok, fine, in a week, but I'm clingy._

_Yours, Moony_

______

_Moony!_

_I should've written earlier, I'm just really terrible at everything right now, and that's why I didn't write. Merlin's balls, I'm a mess._

_I forgot to tell you that Harry is living with me now. He has been here for four whole days and I am completely and utterly in over my head, but what can I say._

_Obviously, I'm not going to the pub but maybe you can come and visit us Friday? I asked Harry if he'd be okay with that, and he's "looking forward to meeting you", to quote him. He's so formal, Moony. Albus said that he had a difficult home life and I expected worse, but I feel like he's always on guard around me._

_But I try be better at this. I'm even seeing that fucking mind healer Albus recommended to me. I don't know if it's working, to be honest, my headaches get worse after. But she said that's to be expected._

_Well._

_Yours,_

_Padfoot_

______

  
  


_Wow, Siri, that doesn't sound normal. Headaches after mind-healing? What's the name of your therapist?_

_______

  
  


_Splitting headaches. It's like hearing my late mother's voice on blast. She's called Marion Bradley. She's a friend of Albus', she lived in Hong Kong during the war._

_She's a bit odd, but I can see how she's friends with Albus. They have a similar way of making you feel that everything is going to turn out right if you're brave enough and work at yourself. My headache gets worse when I think of Albus, so I guess my "deeper psyche" is not in favour of working all too hard and wants me to nap instead._

_______

_Siri, just take a nap, for fuck's sake. You don't have to "work on yourself", you have to heal. How's Harry doing? I've spent half an hour being angry with myself for never trying to look after him, but I thought I would be very bad company for a young child, I was at rock bottom, to be honest._

_Also, what the fuck was Albus thinking? He told me, Harry was safe and happy back then and I shouldn't bother. I'm not particularly fond of Albus right now, mind!_

_He keeps bollocksing things up lately. Well, maybe he's just getting older. I do owe that man a lot, so he gets the benefit of doubt, but have you read the Prophet lately?_

______

_I try to avoid the newspaper at all costs, especially since they're still making me the centre of gossip columns at least once a week, which I know because other people keep reminding me of it whenever I leave the fucking flat_

_I really don't know what to tell you about Harry. Bradley says the way he acts is a typical trauma response and that he will need time away from his usual environment, including friends and family, to get over it. He's very friendly, sometimes heartbreakingly grown-up. I try to be more cheerful myself, but I'm still so, so fucked in the head because of the fucking dementors. I'd like to find a way to make our situation a bit more normal and make Harry feel at home, but I guess it is hard in him, trying to trust a stranger after growing up in dire circumstances. See you on Friday!_

______

_Can't wait. Makes me nervous to meet Harry though._

_PS: does he look an awful lot like them?_

_______

_Yes._

  
  
  
  


_***_

"No! I am still the headmaster, and I won't allow it! She's a dark witch, came close to being a Dark Lady once, and a terrible influence on children! How is she even allowed here?! There's a _muggle movie_ about her, for Godrick's sake!", Albus cried out.

"You'll find that I have the authority to appoint a teacher, since the whole board of education, which you are sadly no longer on, decided on her", Lucius replied with a vicious smile. He had never caught the headmaster so aggravated. Usually he never lost his nerve-grating eccentric grandfather act. Dumbledore composed himself and was back at it after a very short refractory period, but Lucius still revelled in the glory of having seen him crack.

"Well, Lucius, you will find that Mary will not be all you expect her to be. For one, she cares not about blood purity, only about magic", he said and adjusted his glasses. 

Lucius just smiled politely. He was aware that Mary Poppins was a stout conservative, but did not entirely share his views on who deserved to be called a wizard and who didn't. She still had the right ideas about the dark arts. Also, Avalon had always interested him, personally. And Draco deserved to be taught by a competent teacher for once. It was a bonus that half of the Hogwarts staff had known her personally before she had left wizarding Britain and gone into the mist. A lot of purebloods were under the impression that, had she not departed, the Dark Lord would have not stood a chance against her politically. Lucius, personally, would've probably not have taken the dark mark if he had had an option that didn't entail having to get your hands dirty. Also, why try to eradicate muggles? Why not just leave them to their inconsequential animal nonsense and let them be? Yes, muggle-hunting could be a fun activity if you were seventeen, but really, an adult had better things to do than games. 

Also, it was unnerving how much they looked like wizards. No wonder some people lowered themselves enough to breed with them. It would benefit everyone if the contact to muggles was reduced to a minimum. What made mudbloods so foul to Lucius was less their blood and more their disgusting relations. He wasn't terribly bothered by squibs, it couldn't be helped that sometimes you had one in your family. The Avalonians had the tight idea. Swap them at birth, so everyone was at their rightful place. The only thing they were wrong about was their silly notion that magical ability was as high in mudbloods and halfbloods as it was in proper wizards. You didn't have to be a genius to figure it out. How common was it that a mudblood accomplished anything? Surely, if they had equal ability, they would have equal standing by now.

"I will return to the manor if you just sign these papers, headmaster", Lucius said, and allowed himself to look smug while doing so.

"I refuse", Albus Dumbledore replied. 

Lucius nodded.

"Well, in that case, I'll just write that down in the protocol and leave you to your business. Good day, headmaster", he said. Without further ado, he stepped into the floo.

  
  
  


****

_Hey Nev,_

_How are you? And how's living with your mum? Sirius is nice enough. I think he is really trying to get along with me. I feel like there's something wrong with him, though. Remember when Dumbledore put a compulsion on me to behave like my father? I think he did something to him, too. Sirius is also painfully aware of being absolutely bonkers, which is why he is in therapy. Since his therapist is someone Dumbledore recommended, I have doubts about her. The last few days, he always came home with a worse headache than before and I don't think that's supposed to happen. Tonight I'm meeting Remus Lupin, a friend of Sirius and my birth-parents apparently._

_Sirius is being extremely stubborn about changing the subject whenever I try to hint at visiting Goblinia, but he seems to like that we are friends. Would you like to meet sometime soon? Maybe you can show me your mum's place. And Hogsmeade in general looked pretty cool when I went there to meet Sirius. Also, since your birthday is so close to mine, maybe we could have a party together, what do you think? We practically have the same friends anyway, and I'd love for you to meet my friends from Goblinia too, if I get Sirius to actually agree to let me meet them._

_Yours,_

_Harry_

______

_Hey Harry_

_Nice hearing from you, I was a bit worried. Living with my mum is absolutely awesome. I've never had a more relaxed week than the last, honestly. She just lets me do whatever I want without constantly telling me how bad I am at it. It's so nice to just do things the way I like to do them for once. And she's really funny, too, once you get to know her. I told her a lot about you and the rest of the crew. Ranbir already came to visit us once. He won't be here for our birthdays though, he's visiting family in Goa._

_It's a pity that Sirius is so stubborn about your family. Maybe my mum can talk some sense into him, she knew him quite well before he went to Azkaban- I just asked her for her opinion on him._

_Come over whenever you like, I'm free tomorrow._

_Yours,_

_Nev_

_____

_Harry,_

_Can you talk your godfather into letting us see you already? If I have to listen to Donark and Blarko complain one more time about me not being you, there will be blood. Also, no one here can whistle._

_Your dad is in a foul mood and made us all do so much homework that I barely had time to convince mum that I'm fine and actually want to go back to Hogwarts after the summer hols. I made a really cool brooch, though. I told everyone about your fear of trolls, Blarko says he can help you get over it with a boggard. Whenever I talk about Hogwarts, all our friends think I'm pulling their leg and I have no-one to back up my ridiculous claims!_

_Also, on a completely different note, if Donark asks you if we actually have to eat haggis every day, please say yes._

_If we can't see you at your birthday, we will just kidnap you. Your brother already has it planned._

_Yours,_

_Gwyo_

_______

  
  


_Gwyo,_

_I swear I'm doing my best to make him cave, but I think Dumbledore scrambled his brain too hard. Neville's trying something that could work, though._

_Tell Blarko that I'm_ _not_ _afraid of trolls you fiend! My boggard is definitely something none of you want to see._

_Now that you mentioned Hogwarts-food I miss my dad's pledartiok even more. It's just so creamy._

_Was Glaryk proud of you slaying the poor troll? I hope she didn't let you brag about it all too much._

_I miss sparring with you in the morning, I think I'm getting a bit too comfortable with sleeping in._

_Will you cheer my father up a bit? Just distract him. It works._

_Yours,_

_Harry_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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